People think its just an ordinary day
Shows how good I can hide a problem when I see one
But its been two years since her passing and I haven't felt lonelier
Tell me why you took her
She never did nothing wrong
She never hurt a fly
She still had a few good years left in her
"I'm the only one who wrote in her obituary"
I thought they loved her...

...I cant say that my writing has never gotten me in to trouble
I can remember my first poem I ever wrote
About the pain my heart was in, due to a boy
And I can remember all the jumble of bad words storming in my head
But I refused to write any of them down
But I've come a long way since then
I can truthfully say now that I don’t give a fuck
What people think about my poetry
My eyes are the only ones whose critique will ever matter
This world is just so obsessed with doing the right thing and not being a bad person
And keeping you self covered
But sometimes doing the right thing and being you self are two completely different things
We need to start showing off the gifts we were given
And take the sticks out of our asses and just walk along our own path
A while back I wrote a poem about sex and all the many details of it
As proud as I was,
I showed it to my teacher
Because it was fucking awesome

Chewing Gum

When the kids in school ask for gum they don’t realize
That sometimes its not just a stick of randomness to chew on when your bored
Or something to freshen your breath so people like you
Sometimes it’s the only thing keeping you sane
Sometimes its what we do to take place of the food that our body isn't getting
Or the cigarettes that the lungs need so badly
Sometimes it the only normal thing we have
People don’t realize that it keeps me alive
My dentist told me not to chew it
You know with my braces and all but with out it
I wouldn’t be on this earth

Brittle skin strokes the dried up burnt residue of the chicken Mamma had cooked that night
The food turns to ash and her knees smack the floor
Her eyes come into contact with the tear that has fallen on the tile
Her lungs pulse for air, but they are blocked by nothing
Her heart takes a rest as her body slows down
The gauze unravel themselves
Reveling her open wounds and reveling all the secrets
The tile is cold but she doesn’t seem to hesitate or move
Her ribcage becomes more defined as the number on the scale drops
But the mirror will always tell her different

This past week has been one of the hardest so far
But I have learned a big lesson
I learned that this world revolves around food
I did an experiment where I would binge my self with only small things each day
Like one day I would have a cracker
And the next, a simple chip
I wanted to see what the effects would be on my body, the people around me, reactions of others, and my overall feelings about it
I found that every second of the day, all that you have on your mind is food
And when you will eat next
And if people around you can hear your stomach growling
And if anyone even realizes that you are dyeing for the sliest bit of food
Math class:
If Jonny ate ten chips and X amount of cookies that was larger then the amount of chips
Put this into an equation
Science:
I was offered a muffin
Spanish:
We are learning how to order food in Spanish
Social studies:
We are reading articles on the culture universals on the topic of basic needs
Our current one is foods and what a typical family would eat in a week.
This world revolves around food
I learned that when you take something in a daily life away,
That it becomes more noticed and wanted.
This pressure we are put on us in this world to be perfect
Not too small
But not too big
And not too tall
But not too short
And not to loud
But not too quiet
And not too fake
But not too natural
And
WE JUST CANT LIVE UP TO THIS
And we are always around food but we are told never to eat it
No matter how much you want it, this world tells us you cant have it
Because you will get fat
And fat isn't beautiful.
I became weak
Sluggish and depressed like
I couldn’t keep up with my surroundings
I felt that everything was on a high way and I was walking along the side.
I can remember in my first night of this challenge
I awoke at five O'clock in the morning and started to cry when my hands first touched that gram cracker
And a took a bite and threw it at the wall
I was weak
And my emotions were storming in my head
I couldn’t take it
I needed sanity
food

Looking back on my life
I can analyze it and say that I haven't learned SHIT
I've come far
I've fixed the broken things
But I have gotten nowhere and things are still broken
I've fallen in love
But my heart still aces for the one who truly needs it the most
And I'm sober
But my mouth still thirsts
I've covered up the wounds with band aids
But they never seam to heal over
And I haven't eaten more than a cookie in a week

My my stomach still seems to be stretching more and more by the minute

When I was young

When I was young I would go to this little island
Not too far from my little house on the lake
It’s too much of a crap shoot as to how I even got out there but I did
I would go with my to friends down the road
Evan and Jordan
And mmhh
Did I love That Jordan
Like a mouse love cheese
Oh yeah and my brother Dominic, you cant forget about him
Anyway
When I was young
All my memories always seem to lead back to this island
Like that one time when we balanced on that fallen tree in that water and we would push each other off just to get back on and jump back off again
And then I realized
That was at the island
Or those days when we would stand right at the line of land and h₂0 and watch the carp fish fight between two big boulders in the water
Little did I know they were actually making babies
But I would trace all these memories back to this island
It was a part of my childhood
A part of me that can never be lost
Now a days this island is about as big as myself
Really puts a taunt on who I was as a child
Its got one tree left
Jetting off into the lake
As if it were to fall at any moment
The only thing left on that island is a couple dead fish
And the turtles that go there in the spring time
But anyway
I believe this is a sign
This island teaches me how people grow
When you are a kid
You look at the world so much differently then you do as an adult
Growing old sometimes makes the colors stop turnin
And kinda makes you walk more then you do run
But to me I will always look at that little island like I am six all over again
Like it is the most beautiful thing in the world and I am a piece of shit
And my kids will one day be able to sit down at their computer as an adult
And write a little story about an island
And about that one special summer day that mamma brought them there for a picnic
And as the sun beat down on their little blonde hairs,
They knew that they would never want to go home

And that this was the most fun and adventurous place they had ever been

Cant even finish my story cause youve got me all focused on you!

Today I…
Today I heard my alarm clock go off and thought my house was on fire
Running around looked a fool in a bra and boy shorts I was panicked
Looking for a way out I stumbled upon my Ipod and turned that shit off.